Y'all gonna make me lose my mind, up in here, up in here

Welp, my page isn't loading for most of you, so let's recap it up in the online shitshow of moms. Scratch that, everyone.

Last week we saw the online evisceration of one, BROCK TURNER, RAPIST.  His dad cried because Brock no longer likes steak, and I mean, he was only a total and utter asshat of a human being for 20 minutes! Can't we all move on?!

Hell to the fuck no. Nooooooope. No. You see, you don't get to rape an unconscious woman for TWENTY MINUTES (let alone one second) .... I've literally become a different person in 20 minutes thanks to boxed hair dyed and pore strips,  and then bemoan how your life has been ruined in the aftermath for ONLY twenty minutes. The ONLY words I want to hear coming out of your mouth, and your father's should be dripping in genuine remorse for your victim.  And don't you dare blame this on alcohol. Now, I've done a lot of shitastic things while drunk, but I never forgot the difference between right and wrong, consent, and the ability to determine if the person next to me is unconscious. I've also never suddenly developed the urge to rape someone because, alcohol! Nope, never happened. There is only one person responsible for the rape of someone and that person is THE RAPIST. The end.

Moving on. 

WHY ON EARTH DO WOMEN THINK WE WANT TO SEE A PICTURE OF THEIR MUCUS PLUG? Whhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Who told you this was acceptable? I hate you. Hate's a strong word. I loathe you. Eye bleach is painful.

Ah, we've stumbled across one of life's age old debates about the ideal age to have a child. A very young mother boasts that she's laughing at all older moms with children because she'll be able to live it up in her late 30's while we won't be. Or something like that.

So um, that's cool. I really have no horse in this race. You wanna get knocked up at 15 and figure out how to raise a kid without a degree, stable income, and a house - do you girl. I'm not going to throw shade. You can have that all you want. I promise I'm in no competition with you on that. 

Oh. Yesterday. We had a rather civilized discussion on gun control, and everyone's love of guns. Except mine... which caused eight sorry saps to peace out. I guess they thought I was going to do what they've been saying Obama is going to do this entire time and come raid their houses and take their guns. I'M THAT POWERFUL GUYZ. We had one chick literally spell out that she was anti-Muslim and ignorant as all hell. I didn't ban her purposely because I felt everyone deserved to see those comments. Alas, she deleted them and saddled on up and road out at high noon... all while telling me she was disappointed in me for not being an obnoxiously racist sack of potatoes. Win?

If you haven't been to Underwood Farms in Moorpark for a birthday party... it's utterly delightful. Like, for real, I had no idea. Your party gets a large seating area with a ton of picnic tables under a shade, a tractor ride around the Farms, and access to the Farms to see all of the animals and feed baby goats. I was so happy I got invited. Er, I mean, AB. I was thrilled they invited AB to celebrate. If you're really lucky maybe your child will treat you to free entertainment, like AB, when she threw herself down dramatically next to the haystack and acted like she was dying because we were going back to the picnic area to eat cake. She made up for it by walking to the trashcan and throwing away her trash. I shit you not, I announced loudly, "GREAT JOB AB FOR THROWING AWAY THE TRASH ALL BY YOURSELF!!" (inner dialogue.... Bow down and marvel everyone, at this wondrous event.)

Guys, if you haven't heard about the Ex-Unicorns Mom page, it's um... *special.* If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Wait, I think somebody else said that and now I'm just saying that. This page is going haaaaaard. It kind of makes me miss Mommy Gone Sideways in a deranged sort of way... like when you can't turn away from a trainwreck. That is this. This is that. Look it, I'm Dr. Seuss! 

Things that are still getting posted in mom groups: "I'm going to post about the super duper controversial topic of vaccination and tell you all not to give your opinions." IT TOTALLY WORKED THIS TIME.  Not. 

Bible quotes. Yes. Someone attempted to tell everyone to stop telling the OP their opinion, by posting a bible quote telling everyone what they must do. I don't know about you, but I'm reassured. God is watching our mom group conversations very closely guys. Don't you ever want to ask him, "Don't you have kids to be watching?!" Just me?

WANT TO BE AWESOME? Yes? I thought so. Go check out The Play Destination on Wednesday between 8:30am-7pm. It's in Agoura, great indoor play area for the 6 & under crowd. AND a portion of the proceeds from that day go directly TO CHARITY! -- Conejo Community Outreach (formed by seven local moms to help give back to local families) - I'd love for you to support our non-profit by simply liking us on Facebook and helping us build our support online.