Your Handy Timeline
I’ve been thinking… as I’m apt to do — when I’m not doing my womanly duties and such, of course!
If Donald Trump can get elected as President of the United States, surely I can get elected to city council, right?
I’ve developed what I think will be a well-embraced and BIGLY HUGELY BEBESTEST campaign. First of all, I’ve come up with a killer slogan:
“Because, fuck it. Why not?”
I’ve also developed other alternative slogan lines for messaging purposes:
“Vote for me to piss off Rob McCoy!”
“Because parenting is just too hard!”
“Make Conejo Valley Drunk Again!”
“I know the difference between you’re and your!”
“Against white people, moms and sobriety!”
“Because Donald Fucking Trump got elected.”
“I don’t know, like, cuz.”
I think I’ve got some HUGE things going for me!
I can read.
I can write.
I can listen, when paid.
I can sign the alphabet in under six seconds.
I can make Gordon Ramsay scrambled eggs.
Some things I’ll have to overcome:
I eat sushi with a fork.
It’s been said that “20,000 people” hate me.
Not being able to do keg stands during board meetings.
I’m only good at making fudge in the kitchen.
That whole money laundering thing. Shhhhh.
The rumor that I got kicked out of La Reina (this one is damaging, I know!)
I spelled Aleve wrong that one time.
My “meet and greets” would rival college dorm parties, because that’s just how I roll. Tequila chasers, keg stands and jello shots. Oh, don’t worry about my kids! They’ll be in the car. WINDOWS down, and with their tablets. I’m not a monster. We’d play cards against humanity and watch The Handmaid’s Tale.
I’d be the mother of dragons, and you all would be my dragons. It’d be like I’m the Khaleesi of Conejo Valley except I would not have left Daario in the Bay of Dragons.
November is coming?