Things I'll NEVER do as a parent...

Before I was a mom, here's a list of things I WOULDN'T EVER DO:


1. Cosleep. Nooooope. Our baby would always sleep in his/her crib no matter what. We certainly weren't going to create bad habits. If we needed to get up and rock baby back to sleep eight times a night, so be it. That's parenting. 


REALITY: This hussy ain't going down? Fuck it. Bring her in bed. NOW. Bring her in bed before she gets more worked up. Ah, cute baby in my bed!!! Wait, anonymous baby, stop kicking me in the head. please. Ok, that's it, pillow fortress time. Paci. Blanky. Ducky. Zzzzzzzz.

2.  Allow my child to make a mess in a restaurant. UM rude... Don't you know someone has to pick that up? I can't believe they left a mess like that under the table! Savages.

REALITY: Really dude? She threw ANOTHER cracker on the floor? Anonymous baby, put that one in your mouth. Don't you dare drop----- it. No more crackers. That's it, all done. Ok, maybe puffs. Catch it... catch it... quick anon hubby! Ug... it looks like World War 3 under her seat. Try and at least scoot it all together with your shoe so it's easy to sweep up. Wait, they've got a broom, I don't need egg on my shoe. Extra tip?

3. Breastfeed in public. Nobody needs to see my boob. People are eating. The indecency of it all!

REALITY: Bahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Wait, let me catch my breath real quick. So lemme get this straight. I'm going to breastfeed my child, standing up, in a bathroom stall, because you desperately are hoping for a nip slip? Feast your eyes. I am not battling my baby over this damn baby cover for the bazillionth time, only to flash you all more times than I would have if I just popped her on the boob to begin with.

4. Choose a television show over my baby.

REALITY: Ok.. well that's kind of fucked up, but with 15 minutes left of Game of Thrones and a baby who decided bed time wasn't bed time, we MIGHT have offered her a smorgasboard of food to keep her occupied. Hey, it was for the Night's Watch, ok?!

5. Bring my baby to a bar. THANKS SWEET HOME ALABAMA.

REALITY: There's a photographic evidence of me, with my baby, in a bar. JUDGE AWAY. I was drinking Guinness. It was for the milk!

6. Let my baby call the shots. We're the bosses. Be strong!

REALITY: Ok, we're pretty solid on a good schedule, but our baby has us acting like trained monkeys. We bark to get her to bark like a dog, she's trained us to make weird noses to make her laugh, and she certainly gets her bath time upon request. PICK YOUR BATTLES.

7. My baby will be well behaved in all public places. Yes, didn't you know, I'd be the perfect parent with the perfect baby?


REALITY: Anonymous baby has all of sudden found it hilarious to scream in a restaurant, like a goddam pterodactyl. And yes it's funny. And yes I'm having trouble keeping a straight face, telling her to let you people eat in peace. SHE'S A BABY.

Ok, I've gotten the list started.... what would you all like to add? ​