Red Cup Haterade

It's Sunday. 


We took AB to the new house so that we could clean the oven and microwave that had apparently never been cleaned in their entire previous ownership.


As you can imagine, we didn't get the cleaning done because AB went beast mode and reminded us she's a toddler.

I went to a baby shower yesterday. It was great, there were quite a few moms-to-be there, so I made sure the Peach Champagne didn't go to waste. I gifted coconut oil as any good mom friend should do at a baby shower. I also gifted her beer, because DUH.

A few have asked why I'm no longer in certain groups. On sheer principle, I just refuse to be in any group that allows individuals who have insinuated that they'd like to fight me in real life. Ain't nobody got time for that!

But enough about me. 

I hear we've asked about anal, swallowing, and spitting this week. Ladies, you've been busy! Or... not busy enough? I can't decide. There's a joke about corndogs in there somewhere.

Speaking of fucking, I fucking can't with the red cup asshats. Did you know that if you don't put snowflakes on your Holiday Season cups, you hate Christmas? Yup, just add this to the list of "war against Christmas" attacks. I've also been informed that this story is being sensationalized. NO! What?!?! You mean the media sensationalizes things so we dumb dumbs will click and they'll get money?! I refuse to believe that. Dude, I don't even care if only ONE jackass of a person said that, "Not putting snowflakes on the cup is denying the existence of Christmas.... SMITE.

By the way, I'm only saying "Happy Fall" to everyone. I can't wait. There might be confusion, fear, shock, and horror that my greeting doesn't incorporate Holiday or Christmas, but by George, I'm committed.

Speaking of fucking again, did you know that people get upset if you say... "the f-word?" And they'll even openly admit that they might have agreed with your point (whatever it was), if only you had PG-fied your language. I wonder what about my profile picture makes people think this page is for delicate lassies. We're hussies here. And saying the word "fuck" is the LEAST of our worries.

I've been rather impressed with the number of fake Facebook profiles lately. Y'all need to give me some tips on these names you're coming up with. I mean, what's next? "Patty Pregnancy?" "Carly Csection?" "Francis Formula?"

About those aliens last night.... Did someone do a head count? Are we all still here? #shinylightinthesky #everybodypanic #itsallbecauseStarbucksdisrespectedJesus

By the way, ordering Starbucks on your app ahead of time is pretty amazeballs right? But you already know that!

Oh, I've been informed there's a heated debate over single versus double shopping carts. A mom posted a PSA that if you have one child, and you are using the double cart, and you see a mom with two kids using a single cart, it's your duty to switch. Commenting section has given some goodies: "Why the heck are other people's precious snowflakes more deserving of getting to ride in one than my child, simply because she has much much older siblings (that don't need to ride in a cart?)" and another suggestion that they call the store to complain... because I'm sure corporate wants to send in their bravest employees to referee between two moms over shopping carts.

OH. Did you know that while first we had Unicorn Moms, now there's a CENTAUR DADS. Wait, this is where it gets better. The Centaur Dads have a mole in the Unicorn Moms and have heard about posts that have happened. We're all totally shocked right? I mean a group of 3,000 women on the internet is the safest place in the world right?! Riiiiight? LADIES, must we go over this again. There is no safe place on the internet. 

But back to the Centaur Dads. What do they talk about? I imagine the threads are comprised of one sentence answers. When anyone disagrees, they just drink a beer. Do the CD's have bumper stickers? That's coming, right?

This gem happened: "Do any of you mommas work from home? What do you do? I need to kill 5hrs a day mon-fri... not looking for it works, beachbody, scentsy, avon, mary kay or any of that." Please make sure that in your objective statement on your resume you state that you're "looking to kill time." Certainly you'll land that dream job of doing nothing, while "working" from home, and making tons of money! 

HAPPY FUCKING FALL.