My day as a Unicorn

You know, when I found out I was pregnant, I would have considered the month before that, the month I was in the best shape of my life. It was my "Unicorn" phase. 

Not that I think being healthy should be a fleeting, "different" phase, but fuck it. Life happens. That month, before pregnancy, I had been in my 3rd month of a very planned absence from the casting industry to secure a stable job outside of the industry, for you know, when we decided to have a child.

While not working, and in between the soul-sucking process that is hundreds of personalized cover letters and resume sending, I was hiking. A lot. And kickboxing. I worked out. Played tennis. Didn't eat cheese. DIDN'T DRINK BEER. I watched what I ate. At 130 pounds, I felt good about myself.

The day I found out I was pregnant spiraled me into a shock mindset that I realize, even now, still affects me. I don't take pictures of myself, ever anymore. I don't enjoy them... but in an alternative reality sometimes don't accept that I gained nearly 70 pounds when I was pregnant.

After AB was born, it took me a year to not wake up every day and think I was going to magically fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes. Even now, I can see my belly, and the chins, and recognize my lack of self control, and yet still be surprised when I see a photo or video of myself.

Today was an interesting day for me. I don't blog to be seen visually. I don't feel a need launch my face all over my page... I'd prefer my writing... personality be the "star." I don't want you to follow me so you can worship designer shades or my cleavage. So, when I look at the live videos and think... that's not what I look like... I know I'm only lying to myself. But it was something that was also largely out of my comfort zone, and I'm really proud I pulled through.

And you know what? I survived.  I didn't die because you could see on camera that I haven't lost the baby weight. 

And I'm thinking I need to remind myself of this when I don't want to put myself in situations in which my weight affects me. Like swim lessons for AB. LIIIIIIIIKE, eff no, I don't want to be in a bathing suit. But, life is life, AB is growing up, and it's not about me.

Today, Unicorn Frappuccino, wasn't about me. It was about raising awareness for Relay For Life Conejo Valley, and if I did that for even one person, then it was worth it.

Of course, tomorrow, I'll attempt my diet for the upteenth time, and tell myself, no chocolate... but in the meantime, I'm not going to stop living until I get back to where I want to be.