Mommy Group Handbook Rules
Your day starts out like any other. Routine. A jammed pinky toe in the door jam. Missing socks. Baby food on your new work blouse. Luke-warm coffee. Empty gas tank. Near death by lego.
You open your Facebook to scroll through the mom groups, as you're so apt to do when you need a break from real life, and behold! A CONTROVERSIAL POST. Yaaaaaaaay! You PM your ladies, like any respectable and good friend would do. The stress of the day leaves your body and you prepare to bunker down and wade through the 171 comments. To be safe, you select "get notifications" so that you don't miss another bite.
Now, before you wade into a controversial post "debate," it's important that you understand that having a library of go-to memes is essential. ESSENTIAL.
Once you feel that you're appropriately stocked for the occasion, it's even more important that you understand your "role" in the debate. Don't worry, there are enough roles for everyone to play so there's no need to get greedy.
In fact, let's go over the most common. Remember, you need to sign up quickly because Facebook debates can "poof" in an instant, so there's no time to waste.
Most popular roles in a Facebook debate:
1) "The OP" - This goes without saying. We can't get the party started without the OP! If you're going to be the OP, please don't be trigger happy to delete. Be a team player!
2) "The Follower" - The person who still doesn't know how to select to receive notifications, so their contribution is: "following."
3) "The First Opposer" - As the first to object, you'll express your disgust and contempt.
4) "The Ally" - As an ally, you'll be expected to compliment the OP for their question, and provide support. You may even need to respond to negative comments from those opposed to the topic at hand.
5) "The Peacemaker" - In this role you'll write comments like, "I think Mary and Josephine both had really excellent points and it's nice to see that we women can have an adult debate without getting nasty."
6) "The Meme poster" - It's important to start strong. Remember, you're everyone's comedic relief. Generally, it's recommended you start with a "popcorn eating" meme so that you establish your role.
7) "The Judgy Non-judger" - You'll need to be patient in this role because it will be your job to wait until a significant debate is in full force before you can chime in to chastise and judge everyone for posting judgmental comments.
8) "The No-Fucks-Giver" - You just don't have two to give, therefore all bets are off.
9) "The Friend-Maker" - You just showed up because you want to know which moms are good play-date material. You ignore the actual debate but compliment the women you like in the thread, and send them friend requests.
10) "The Bye Felicia-er" - It's your job to tell everyone who opposes your viewpoint, "bye Felicia." You don't actually stop talking to them though, because that would mean you'd have to move on with your life.
11) "The Bitch" - You actually show up because your life revolves around Facebook debates. It's likely your friends tagged you in the thread, and you'll expect them to like all of your comments.
12) "The Dramatic Drama Hater" - You hate Facebook drama. In fact, you hate it so much that you make it a point to comment on every single controversial post in existence. It's not a party until you show up with, "Always so much drama in this group."
13) "The Keep Scrolling Police" - It's your job, as a totally biased individual to only tell people who disagree with you, to "keep scrolling."
14) "The Fact Checker" - You post links to articles with actual facts and wait for people to refute them with links to personal blog opinion pieces so that you can bang your head on a wall.
15) "The Lazy-As-Fuck-Commenter" - You have no clue what the topic is about, nor do you have any experience on it, so instead of googling it, you write things like, "Whose Harper Lee," because not only do you want to watch the world burn, you also hate grammar.
16) "The Grammar Police" - You're there for obvious reasons. It's a land mine out there and you're doing God's work.
17) "The Friend" - You're obligated to defend your friend, even if they're being an asshat. You'll probably look like a fool afterward, but that's real friend, right?
18) "The Tattle-Tale" - Someone has got to tag the admin, amirite?
19) "The Delicate Snowflake" - You're upset that someone replied to you specifically, with a different opinion. It must totally mean they're bullying you. Nobody puts Baby in a corner. NOBODY!
20) "The Shit-Stirrer" - You notice the thread is starting to get lower and lower in the feed, so you discreetly comment something neutral so that it will be bumped back to the top of the group's newsfeed.
The key to any good Facebook debate is to take it seriously, because it's a totally serious matter. If it means you have to skip dinner, so be it. If you have to ignore your kids, that's expected... especially if you're a nanny, because then it doesn't really matter since they're not even yours. If you haven't showered, it's excusable. Nothing in the world is more important than a Facebook debate, especially if you're a mom.
Now go my grasshoppers, and prosper. DON'T FORGET THE COCONUT OIL.
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