MALL WALKING

Mall walking thoughts.


Where's my phone? Purse? No. Driver's seat? No. Stroller? No. Pocket? No. Driver's seat? No. Check the purse again? No. Let's try the purse one more time. No. Trunk, definitely the trunk. Nope. Under the baby? Nope.


Ah. On top of the car. Right where it belongs.

Ohhhh A.C. feels nice. Look AB, some day you'll play with the kids in the play area. What is that kid doing? Wait, why is he jumping off that animal? Oh no. He's going to land on that toddler. Just missed. Look at those two kids playing AB. You'll have friends like that. Ohhh and that was a hit to the face. AB, try not to let your friends hit you in the face.  Is that peanut butter on the floor? AB, that reminds me. Hand sanitizer for the market list. Two hand sanitizers.

Oh my god that woman has an amazing ass. I need to get on her routine. AB, let's follow her for motivation. Man, she's walking fast. She's better at mall walking than we are.

Oh my. It smells like heaven. Restraint. Restraint. Restraint. The cookie isn't that good. Remember nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Ok, maybe at least one lap before cookie. At least pretend like you're trying, right? You can do this.

Ohhhhh that would have been a cute sweater pre baby. I totally would have worn that. I wonder if they carry that in my new "I gave up a while ago" size? We'll revisit.

Well this is a first. The chick with an amazing ass is lapping us AB. 

Staaaaaaaarbucks. Coffee coffee coffeeeeee. What's this? A "new" cold brew? Maybe an iced Americano to save the calories. Oh wait, they put Java Chips in Caramel Frappucinos. Totally worth trying once. I'll get sugar free syrup. Let's go halfsies on the whipped cream.

Wow. AB, if you ever wore that your father would kill himself. I don't care if you have no cellulite. Your ass cheeks will not be on full display at 13. Got it? 

Where'd your ducky go? Ah, we're playing that game again. I really need to put this thing on a leash. Don't put it in your mouth. Ok, put it in your mouth.

No, I don't want your fucking gold spec face cream. What on earth made you think that my attempt to avoid eye contact and actively walk to the other side of the aisle, and pretend to be on my phone was a cue for you to call after me. And ma'am? You could at least pretend to be a good sales person and call me "miss", thank you very much. 

Forever 21. Byyyyeeeee. 

AB, where's Ducky? AGAIN? I thought Ducky was your friend? Why would you throw her over the railing? Where's the escalator? Oh, this should be a dream with this beast of a stroller. I should really look into baby carrying.

Gelato! AB, how much do you love Ducky? She's replaceable right? Wait, where's my caramel frappucino. Did I seriously leave walk away and not pick it up? Yes, yes I did. I definitely deserve gelato for this. Let's find ducky first.

AB, there's the chick with a great ass again. Dammit, now I can't have my gelato.  

Express is having their every day 75% off sale.

A baby! Baby etiquette. Smile at baby then at mother. Expect it in return. 

Wait, that mom is wearing a crop top displaying a flat stomach. Nevermind. Haaate. Obviously she didn't enjoy pregnancy. She probably ate kale. Maybe I should be friends with her.

What's that screaming? Oh god the Disney store is open. AB, should we look and not buy? HAHAHAHAHA.

Cookie cookie cookie cookie.

I wonder if you'll be quiet long enough for me to get my eyebrows threaded. 

DAMMIT WHERE IS DUCKY?

I know, I'm upset too. Want puffs? Crackers? Here's your bottle? Duuuuuuucky. 

Are you happy with your Minnie Mouse purchase?

Shit, are we at meltdown time? Can you table it while I get a cookie? Two minutes. Just two minutes. Whoa where did that group of 20 teenagers just come from? Forget the cookie. Let's bounce.

Carseat time. Woooot woooot.

WAIT A MINUTE. WHERE IS MINNIE?

I guess we're coming back tomorrow.
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