For starters, if I have to have the "I am a pizza" song stuck in my head, so do you.
Moving on. LADIES. I ALREADY WROTE MY YEARLY RECAP and yet you continue to GIVE and GIVE and GIVE you sweet, sweet holiday angels. (Yes, I used holiday. Consider it an attack against you).
Just when I was thinking we couldn't top the drama from Vanderpump Rules this week (and there was some majuh drama to be had) the A TEAM stepped up to the mutha fucking plate of the MOCV.
Do we begin with the Trump sherpa blanket, or do we end with it? I just don't even know. Now, I looked at the profile of the woman who was selling these monstrosities and she really does seem like a well-intentioned gal. Her feed was full of volunteer posts and the like, so then I had to be like UGGGGH. She's not a completely awful person! I hate it when that happens. She's probably delightful if you ignore the fact that she wants to snuggle up to pictures of Trump, literally.
But those sherpas. The idea of wrapping myself in a blanket covered in a collage of Trump pictures to keep me warm at night... I mean, I thought my question was valid: if I'm going to buy a blanket covered in Trump faces to smother myself, surely I'd hope it would come with an extra layer of protection for my pussy. I think this is a valid feature... especially if the blanket says "bring God back." I MEAN. STAAAAAAHP. Was god high-fiving Trump during his sexual assaults, or just seeing to it that someone, somewhere was getting treated to free coffee from a stranger? Life's mysteries.
Anywho, most of you missed that thread because it poof'd faster than I do when I hear there are donuts in the kitchen.
But, it made its valiant return this morning when the seller took to the streets, I mean feed, of the MOCV group to express her disappointment in those of us who commented because she explicitly stated it was only for Trumpsters. Um, I believe the term is Trumpettes, but I digress.
Thread turned into a victim post real quick with women weeping on her behalf for being "bullied." Apparently that's how we roll these days. Step 1: Post something you KNOW is controversial in large group of women who are already losing their shit during the holidays. 2: Delete post quickly when no one wants to buy sherpa. 3: Post again and pretend you got bullied. 4: Profit.
You can only imagine the comments. It was your usual mix of people saying we need to give the president a chance to make America great again (ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hhhaaaaahahahaahahahahahahah HEEEEEHEEEEEEHEEEEE HAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA haaaaaaaaaa hahahahahahahahahha BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA), and some chickypoos who thought they were slaying the scene by calling liberals "snowflakes." MY PEARLS BE CLUTCHED. Such a sick burn! Snowflakes, how will we overcome the verbal superiority unleashed upon us?
And then the weirdest comment came from some gal obessesed with posting that the admin was a liberal dictator imposing her views on the group because the admin enforced her own fucking advertising policy that's been in effect for like a year. Now, the MOCV admin has never once posted about her politics from what I've seen and her kids' names are literally Patriot and Liberty. I'M NOT KIDDING. If I had to guess, annnnnnd I'm taking a real shot in the dark, I'm guessing she's not the liberal dictator our righteous heroine wants her to be. But, for some weird, odd little reason, our little boo boo then pretended to accept an apology from the admin that never happened.
Then I realized I was witnessing how easy it is for people to fool themselves by their own hand. It's so fascinating.
AND THAT WASN'T THE ONLY GIFT SANTA BROUGHT US NASTY GIRLS THIS YEAR.
This year, we all have to have hatchimals! Well not me because I'm a mean mom and would rather bribe my child with fries than Christmas gifts.
Alas, when my head hit the pillow last night leading me into a night filled of dreams about how in the morning I'd be a lady, full of grace... low and behold a speckled hatchimonster was brewing. I thought someone died when I opened my inbox this morning. To you soldiers collecting screenshots — I salute you, because like most good things, that post also got deleted before I got a chance to "keep scrolling."
Cliffnotes: Basically a chick tried selling these things at 190$ an egg when they sell for like $80 at the store. Soooooo lemme break something down for you real quick. Want to profit and charge up the wazoo for shit? That's what you have ebay for. You can try and get away with that in a mom group, but you're going to be taken to the FIELDS, where you'll be cuckawing for mercy.
When people started questioning why she was charging so much... she concocted a story about how she had originally bought them for her three neieces and sister, who all died in a tragic car crash.
Like for real. Someone legit tried to pretend that practically half of her family died tragically to make a buck off of these hatchiwawas. How do you think this went over in a mom group? We're like private investigators, didn't you know? It went about as well as Trump offering free pussy grabs at a feminist rally.
I implemented a drinking game to keep up with today's festivities:
Ladies... it's time to start the drinking games. Since MOCV has gone batshit in the final days of 2016 (only fitting) take a shot for any of the following when posted in a condescending, holier than thou tone:
1) have some grace
2) we should be lifting women up (usually said by someone NOT lifting women up)
3) any misuse or false claim of bullying to claim victimhood
4) anyone pretending they got an apology when they didn't
5) anyone referring to a specific political party with what they refer to as an insult
6) any time someone says "make america great again"
7) any time someone says: I'm disappointed
8) any time you roll your eyes at a comment (maybe a sip, not a shot)
9) can't we all just get along?
10) nevermind. Just take shots. lots of them, now.
UPDATE: I'm dead and this my ghost typing.
And finally, you know there's always going to be one comment from a woman to other women about what is and isn't considered being "a lady." Internalized misogyny is a helluva drug, ain't it?
Anyway, to all of our OPs you da real MVPs of this season, and for that, I'll cheers my beer to you. xoxo
On an entirely different note... if you're looking for an organization that's making a difference in thousands of kids' lives... check out Casa Pacifica. They could use gifts and hygiene products for those interested in donating and supporting.