Holy Unicorn balls, we're at the end of 2016. Shall we revel in the shitglorious year we've all somehow managed to survive?
Personally, I don't even remember the first half of the year and if y'all think I'm spending eight hours scrolling back to January, the shrooms must be strong in your backyard.
A quick persusal of my blog tells me that in January we learned there was a Mermaid Moms. MY GOD, THAT WAS THIS YEAR? I'm so serious, that feels like it was seven years ago. So the birth of Mermaid Moms went something like this: Unicorn Moms creator: "OMG, there can only be one, and that's me." Mermaid Moms creator: "We don't want to be you, we want to be Mermaids." Ensue war of the Unicorns and Mermaids. Mermaids that were also Unicorns were told to watch their backs by the Unicorns. Mermaids were too busy posting pics of their tatas and husbands' dicks to care about Unicorns, and my inbox was like RIP.
Things got weird when my "fan" group infiltrated the Mermaid Moms, insulted my haikus, and one chick lost her damn shit on my page over a 24-hour span that consisted of commenting nearly every 15 minutes. Sometimes you just have to ban someone to save them from themselves. Oh yeah, it's all coming back to me now! Some poor gal who follows my blog, or did (I don't know after d-day 2016) was accused of being a "sock" by the chick who was losing her damn mind. Apparently that's code for a fake account. But it got weirder when she was sent messages by crazy #1 accusing her of being me. TL;DR: Apparently I created a fake account to talk to myself on my page because I'm too afraid to post my own opinions. Like.... that totally makes sense, no? Then I got called a pig. Well actually the chick who was accused of being me was called a pig, so, I was indirectly called a pig. Full transparency. You following? I don't care -- that's way too messy to try and clean up to sound rational.
HA. I can't believe I forgot all about that until I just started typing this.
Haiku for reference:
You love drama
You seem to thrive on it.
Hmmmm what else, what else.
Oh yeah! We took AB to DISNEYLAND because we wanted to die slow, miserable deaths. You can read about that adventure HERE.
We had a good solid month or two of back-to-back vaccine posts and some chick who was desperate to inform us about the cloud chemtrail KILLING US. Death by cloud. At least that sounds peaceful? My favorite vaccine post goes out to the Betty who posted an anti-vax opinion post and then wrote: DON'T COMMENT IF YOU DISAGREE and then blocked everyone that disagreed. Sweetheart, did you stumble, hit your head on a rock of massive proportions, and wake up in a group of 11,000 and really think that people weren't going to share their opinions? Didn't you know that you go to mommy groups so that people can shame you for the CIO method, formula, and the wrong baby carrier? This is NOT the place for your dear diary.
2016 WAS THE YEAR OF CHAD AND BECKY!
Chad and Becky were/are a delightfully miserable-as-fuck couple that happened to be seated next to me one fateful flight. Poor Chad's balls were in a necklace hanging around Becky's neck, and Becky was a real ball-buster. Anywho, I live-FB'd my observations of Chad's soul slowly dying on the flight and thus #chadandbecky were born. It was super fun for a bit. Some of you loved Chad and Becky, others were so enraged by a Chad and Becky post, you just couldn't handle it. Chad and Becky may just make their resurgence if only to annoy the people complained about it.
Oh yes.... this year was ALSO the year of the ME-ternity book! HAHAHAHA. That chick sold her soul to the devil for exposure and then complained when she got it.
To recap, chickypoo writes a book about being a childless woman who wants a ME-ternity because it's like, totally unfair that women who birthe children get fancy unpaid vacations to recover from BIRTHING A CHILD. I mean, those pregnant women get ALL THE PERKS amirite?! Anyway, in order to promote her little fluff book about needing a soul searching journey, (I guess EAT, PRAY, LOVE had already been written), the author writes a controversial, slanted opinion piece about her book for the NY Post, slamming women who have children. Noooow, that's not exactly the point of her book, but she knew her book wasn't interesting, so her only option was to make it controversial. It got MAJUH attention. And then she cried because she was like, "my book isn't even about that! I was just using moms for press!"
According to my posts, I've watched The Little Mermaid approximately 165 times this year.
What else happened this year? OMG! The election!
I was all like: I support social justice and equal rights and ownership of my pussy, and a few of you were like: YOU'VE CROSSED THE LINE. All 17 of you who couldn't live with my confounded ideas of basic decency moaned and bitched about my agenda to um, post my opinions on my opion-based blog. So that was kind of weird. But then things took a turn for coo-coo when I made a bewilerding statement that went something like this: "the video of Trump mocking a disabled reporter is not fake." This led to a little strawberry poptart crumbling at the corners in outrage. She slayed me with comments like "You should call yourself not anonymous mommy!" It was wild... until she got stalkerish, found out where I work and called them to try and get me fired, and apparently filed a police report against me for having a blog page and stating a fact. So... there's that! She also reached out to me on my personal page and asked for my phone number and then asked why I got defensive when I said: "I don't know you, so no."
Oh yeah! I forgot about all the things I learne about myself. I'm apparently "some chick who lives in Camarillo." That one is kind of boring... but the one I enjoyed the most... did you know?! I'm also apparently a high school journalism advisor! I guess they just give that job to anyone, even people who don't show up to do it! What I'm outraged about is the fact that if I'm the advisor, my paycheck needs adjusting! I can't not be doing all this work for free!!!
There was the time that a little poopsie came on the page to chastise me for posting out the non-profit I'm part of... and insinuated I wanted to be Mother Theresa. Puffin, have you read about Mother Theresa? Yah... not interested in the affiliation but thanks boo boo. Then she entered creep city and "poked" me on my personal page (I guess that's still a thing) and then deleted her comments.
I've warned ye innocent souls that the Unicorn policewomen troll my page to delete all UM's that post on my page. Sorry gals... I'm not here to pretend I can explain away that ego trip, just here ta tell ya, the henchwomen of the UM's ferociously read every single comment and post on my page and you'll be poofed for "not following" one of the 1, 127 rules it takes to be a cool mom, because they "don't give a fuck." Hey, their words, not mine. Consider yourselves warned. I'd hate for you to have refrain from making the Unicorn sign to random women in public because you've been deleted and banned for breathing from the "exclusive" group of women that's all about supporting one another...
It's essential to my happiness that more of you start watching Vanderpump Rules.
I've learned that random strangers thought I actually wanted to hear from them when I titled a blog post, "dear random strangers....": To clarify, I don't.
Oh! MOCV Feedback had their share of drama as well when one chick complained about the sale of a soap dispenser gone afoot. I honestly can't remember what all the hooplah was about, but chick A started a trash-talking post about chick B (failing to provide full screenshots of events). Full screenshots get posted and chick B is vindicated and chick A claims bullying. 200 comments ensue, a soap dispenser somewhere is weeping, and we learned the valuable lesson of not lying in an age of screenshots and bored women looking for entertainment. Yes, this is real life.
It's early in December, and I'm sure there's still some time for some shit of epic porportion to plague my page before the new year with the stench it rides in on, buuuuuuut, let's be optimistic and pretend that's not going to happen.
P.S. I used a stock photo because you don't pay me to talk about myself and I'm a cheap bastard. If you'd like complain about what I write about, make sure you make your check out to "anonymous mommy" first. <3