Monkey Peaches and Pears

It's been a hot second since I've blogged. I'm trying this whole thing where I pay attention to my husband when I'm home. Laaaaame, right?!


Anyway, it's Friday night, I've popped open a Chocolate Stout, AB is sleeping ........

Ok. I'm back - had to knock on every piece of wood I own. What was I saying? Ah yes, AB is.... welll, you know, and Anon Hubs is off to Beer and Pint because I got to do Happy Hour. Yay 50/50 parenting for the win!

It's a good thing, because I needed a few drinks before digesting the shit storm that was the mom groups this week.

Guyz, I don't know if you've heard, but SCHOOL HAS STARTED!!!!!!

I didn't know because I have a child in school. That's silly. It was the added 45 minutes to my commute and the shared articles about being the mom of a first time kindergartener that clued me in. 

JUST KIDDING. It was the mom groups! Y'all be off your fucking rockers this week.

Monday kicked off with our first #bodyshamingbutnotbodyshaming post! 

There was this little music awards show last weekend, so naturally fashion talk was all the rage on Monday. Chaos ensued early when someone posted a critique on Kim K's fashion choice. Now I don't know if you know this, but apparently if you critique fashion on a larger or curvier woman (btw the whole world knows that Kim is pregnant so this can't even possibly be applicable), you'll immediately be called out for fat shaming. You're only allowed to critique fashion choices that skinny women wear, duuuuuh. (Insert--- totally OK to slut shame Miley, according to my mommy group notes).

Repeat with me: If we're on mom groups, we hate skinny women! Pitchforks!!! Everyone else can do no wrong when it comes to wearing your grandma's curtains as a jumpsuit.... unless you differ on vaccination stance. Then naturally, you'll be blocked and my friends will screenshot what you write so I can still be "in the know."

Also newsworthy to report, I've joined a new group and it might be the best thing that's ever happened to my mom blogging career. Don't get me wrong... this group is batshit insane. AND THEY KNOW IT. They own it and I love them so much for it. They enjoy using phrases like "pearl clutcher," and they can debate about cultural appropriation for 400 comments in a row. It was great when they all went after a woman who had a teepee in her living room...and it turned out she's part Native American! Wait, does this mean I can't buy AB moccasins? I'm so fucking confused.

OH!!! And the gloves came off when we were asked to offer alternative nicknames for our "no no's" parts that you could teach your daughter.... Honorable mentions go to the following suggestions: monkey, peach, and front crack. 

Front crack.

*So I just looked up and saw that #audiencewithpope is on TV. I watch 20/20 so that I can have nightmares about all the terrible people in the world that might murder me. My whole Friday night just went down the drain.

Anyway, back to your monkey peach wakka wakka, cha cha. Actually, never mind... I don't want my fruit to remind me of your daughter's hoohah, but thanks.

The year is 2015 and people still haven't mastered the your/you're battle. Defiantly. 

The TMI was strong this week. Normally we celebrate #TMITUESDAYS, but this week was special. Not only did you insist we see yet another mucus plug, you wanted to share your pre-birth, a bloody pad, and a wet soaked sheet for good measure. It's because you actually hate us, right? I mean, that's the only reason I can think of that you'd force us to see photographs of your bodily fluids. You wouldn't post it on your personal page, because hellllooooo, your friends and family! But forum filled with 10,000 strangers? Fuck us, right?!

That brings me up to my next point. A GROUP OF 10,000 PEOPLE IS NOT A PRIVATE GROUP. Honestly. HONESTLY.

Do you think common sense will ever make a comeback? 

Can you HONESTLY tell me you really thought that something you posted in a group of 10,000 people on the internet was like totes super duper private? For realsies?

Oh, and then some chick who stole from a bunch of celebrities a while back and then a did a whole reality show about it posted an open letter to a new group she joined insisting that she was being harassed (uh huh) and didn't want to have to suffer the consequences of all the bullshit she pulled in the past. I know when I go on a reality show I totally expect privacy too! Don't get me wrong-- I'm all for a comeback. I love a good comeback, turning a new leaf, all that jazz. Yay for being a better person! I mean, even Britney has a great new weave she's rocking these days. Sooooo, here's the solid. You don't want the drama? How about ya don't make an open post to 7,000 women about a "situation" no one else was aware of? And, I'll be the asshole here for a second...but I'd want to know if a convicted felon is in the mom group I'm in... reformed or not. Porch pick-ups are serious business! Have we not learned from the bed fiasco a few weeks ago???! Also, you're going to have to learn how to have a sense of humor with a colorful past or it's going to be a pretty rough road. 

On to better news, Maria accepted my offer to be her unicorn. The only problem is I can't be an anonymous unicorn. Alas, she must soldier on. 

There's been an unusual amount of "compliment me" posts, so can we nip this in the bud? You're all beautiful princesses. 

So far, I've made it the whole week without being called a bully by someone who decided to come on my page and incessantly message me... but don't despair. There's always tomorrow.

Defiantly.
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