I Want DONUT.

Weight has been the topic of the day, so let's dive in. 


One of the more ridiculous things I've come across is women shaming other moms who didn’t gain a lot of weight during pregnancy or lost it quickly after. Ah yes, we’re all supposed to love and tell each other how amazing our beautiful bodies are that birthed these miracles, but not if you’re a skinny bitch! If you didn’t gain at least a solid 30 pounds, we hate you. ATTACK. This bitch is back in her skinny jeans!


But, you've got stretch marks, erm, "tiger stripes?"  Then, rawr! You're a fierce tigress! Go you, mama tiger!  So yeah, I'm never going to refer to my stretch marks as stripes. It's simply not going to happen. I'm an adult. I have stretch marks. If I'm not ashamed about them, I don't need to assign them a cute nickname.


So let me get all the p.c. talk about of the way. Your body is beautiful. You are beautiful. We are all beautiful. Your size is just a number. Blah, blah, blah. Look, I’m not about to give shit to any mom for her weight gain or lack of weight gain during a pregnancy. It’s your body!  Each pregnancy is different, unless you're a in a mom group. And what do we do again? HATE SKINNY WOMEN!


If you think I’m joking, I’m totally serious. I recall a post where a woman posted a picture of her friend before/after the baby and that hussy had the audacity to have a flat stomach practically minutes after giving birth. THE NERVE. The comment section was ugly. Fat moms, yes, we’re fat if we’re still 40lbs overweight (and that’s cool!), were all like, “That poor girl. My husband loves my womanly curves and it looks like she really missed out on the beauty of pregnancy.” Because this whole “support mothers- we need to look out for each other” thing ONLY applies if you’re all the exact same and have the same pregnancies, wear the same size jeans, and have the same opinions on how to raise a baby. I, on the other hand, would have fucking framed that picture if I looked as amazing as this chick did after the birth of her baby. Good for her! And good for the people who went to town during pregnancy. Why do we have to hate one or the other? Why do we have to be defensive and angry if we’ve gained weight? I’m not mad about it, but I’m also not delusional.


Months and months after having anonymous baby, I finally I just started calling a spade a spade and accepted I was fat. When you say that, people get all uncomfortable and feel the need to tell you that you look fantastic, for having just had a kid. HAHAHA. It’s amazing. Ladies, gents. A fact is a fact and fat is fat. Stop enabling my sloth like attitude and tell me to put down the donut. Please. I’m weak. Don’t encourage me. Mom groups have such an identity crisis about weight. If we're still fat everyone is telling us it's ok because we just had a baby! But, all the same, they're telling us to try herbalife or detox juices or skinny pills or whatever else another independent mommy consultant is telling you works in 22 days!


I've accepted that I'm not fitting into my jeans pre-baby for a while. Maybe never. But I think I've perhaps run too far with this whole 'you're allowed to eat and eat and eat. You had a baby!' I mean last week at the office, it was bagel Friday. And somebody brought donuts. I didn’t want to break up with either so I had both. THIS MUST STOP.


I keep wondering if there’s a rock bottom I’ll hit? Like that time I bought a pair of jeans and my husband and I went to dinner and I had to unbutton them when I sat down, before eating anything.  Nope, that wasn’t rock bottom. I was like, “Sweet, now I can eat my Mexican food in comfort!”


Maybe I should post a photo of me in the mom groups and ask for a pick-me-up. But mine would be a real one. None of that photoshopped bullshit. You're getting me in the sweats, oversized t-shirt, and dry-shampoo look. Just kidding. Let's all pretend that the photo of the woman in my first blog is me. It will be easier for you to hate me that way.