How to EXIT

The art of an exit speech.


It's a fickle art. You want to be heard. You need to be heard. World, HEAR ME ROAR. I'm offended and I'm done with you and you MUST know! Because, it's not enough to just leave. All of us who probably didn't know you existed to begin with MUST know that a stranger among us is fed up with us hussies.

I salute you exit speecher. You sat down and said to yourself, dammit. I'm important. This online group of people needs to know it. They need to know that I consider myself better than them. It's the only way to make the world a better place. You're selfless. You're just doing God's work. I totally get it.

In honor of the not one, but THREE exit speeches I've seen today from the same group, who's probably still calling each other catty bitches, let's examine the crucial elements of any excellent exit speech.

1. A strong first sentence in which you assert your superiority. "I cannot believe "women" can behave so childishly!" 
2. A sentence that tells us what the group is supposed to be about. "We are supposed to be here for love and support and nurturing."
3. A sentence that tells us what the group isn't supposed to be about. "We're not here to be rude ass bitches to one another."
4. A sentence that compliments thine own self. "I was raised with morals and decency and have never acted as immaturely as you women have."
5. A sentence telling us that you've noticed this has been going on for a while.  "I've seen more and more of the judgmental moms who just bully, bully, bully."
6. A sentence that contains a quote. "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."
7. A sentence with another quote. "Be kind. You never know another person's story."
8. A sentence insisting you're not here for the drama. "I'm not here for the drama!!!"
9. A sentence telling everyone to start acting like adults. "This isn't high school!"
10. A sentence letting everyone know that you're far too busy for this nonsense. "I don't know how you all have so much time on your hands to get into these petty debates!"
11. A farewell line. "This will be the last you hear from me! I will pray for you all."

*Usually these are littered with typos, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. You know there's nothing worse than the wrong you're/your combo.

Let's put it together:

"I cannot believe "women" can behave so childishly! We are supposed to be here for love and support and nurturing. We're not here to be rude ass bitches to one another. I was raised with morals and decency and have never acted as immaturely as you women have. I've seen more and more of the judgmental moms who just bully, bully, bully. "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." "Be kind. You never know another person's story." I'm not here for the drama!!! This isn't high school! I don't know how you all have so much time on your hands to get into these petty debates! This will be the last you hear from me! I will pray for you all."

Now, if you're going to leave us with an exit speech, it's only fair that you include these quotes as overlays on photos of oceans and skies, and attach them to your post.

Additionally no good exit speech is complete without you responding to at least SIX comments from other people before you make your final farewell. This part is crucial. You're so important you'll want to see the fallout. 

Now go, my grasshoppers, and exit the way you're meant to exit! Do right by us! We deserve exit speeches! You, yes you cupcake, will be making the world a better, reformed place. Your words, shining beacons of enlightenment and knowledge, have the power to move mountains, make grown men cry, and change a nation. 

​We're all so lucky you couldn't help yourself.