Weight has been the topic of the day, so let's dive in. 


One of the more ridiculous things I've come across is women shaming other moms who didn’t gain a lot of weight during pregnancy or lost it quickly after. Ah yes, we’re all supposed to love and tell each other how amazing our beautiful bodies are that birthed these miracles, but not if you’re a skinny bitch! If you didn’t gain at least a solid 30 pounds, we hate you. ATTACK. This bitch is back in her skinny jeans!


But, you've got stretch marks, erm, "tiger stripes?"  Then, rawr! You're a fierce tigress! Go you, mama tiger!  So yeah, I'm never going to refer to my stretch marks as stripes. It's simply not going to happen. I'm an adult. I have stretch marks. If I'm not ashamed about them, I don't need to assign them a cute nickname.


So let me get all the p.c. talk about of the way. Your body is beautiful. You are beautiful. We are all beautiful. Your size is just a number. Blah, blah, blah. Look, I’m not about to give shit to any mom for her weight gain or lack of weight gain during a pregnancy. It’s your body!  Each pregnancy is different, unless you're a in a mom group. And what do we do again? HATE SKINNY WOMEN!


If you think I’m joking, I’m totally serious. I recall a post where a woman posted a picture of her friend before/after the baby and that hussy had the audacity to have a flat stomach practically minutes after giving birth. THE NERVE. The comment section was ugly. Fat moms, yes, we’re fat if we’re still 40lbs overweight (and that’s cool!), were all like, “That poor girl. My husband loves my womanly curves and it looks like she really missed out on the beauty of pregnancy.” Because this whole “support mothers- we need to look out for each other” thing ONLY applies if you’re all the exact same and have the same pregnancies, wear the same size jeans, and have the same opinions on how to raise a baby. I, on the other hand, would have fucking framed that picture if I looked as amazing as this chick did after the birth of her baby. Good for her! And good for the people who went to town during pregnancy. Why do we have to hate one or the other? Why do we have to be defensive and angry if we’ve gained weight? I’m not mad about it, but I’m also not delusional.


Months and months after having anonymous baby, I finally I just started calling a spade a spade and accepted I was fat. When you say that, people get all uncomfortable and feel the need to tell you that you look fantastic, for having just had a kid. HAHAHA. It’s amazing. Ladies, gents. A fact is a fact and fat is fat. Stop enabling my sloth like attitude and tell me to put down the donut. Please. I’m weak. Don’t encourage me. Mom groups have such an identity crisis about weight. If we're still fat everyone is telling us it's ok because we just had a baby! But, all the same, they're telling us to try herbalife or detox juices or skinny pills or whatever else another independent mommy consultant is telling you works in 22 days!


I've accepted that I'm not fitting into my jeans pre-baby for a while. Maybe never. But I think I've perhaps run too far with this whole 'you're allowed to eat and eat and eat. You had a baby!' I mean last week at the office, it was bagel Friday. And somebody brought donuts. I didn’t want to break up with either so I had both. THIS MUST STOP.


I keep wondering if there’s a rock bottom I’ll hit? Like that time I bought a pair of jeans and my husband and I went to dinner and I had to unbutton them when I sat down, before eating anything.  Nope, that wasn’t rock bottom. I was like, “Sweet, now I can eat my Mexican food in comfort!”


Maybe I should post a photo of me in the mom groups and ask for a pick-me-up. But mine would be a real one. None of that photoshopped bullshit. You're getting me in the sweats, oversized t-shirt, and dry-shampoo look. Just kidding. Let's all pretend that the photo of the woman in my first blog is me. It will be easier for you to hate me that way.

Sometimes, when I'm feeling frisky, I imagine myself posting in a Facebook Mommy Group that I let my baby watch Baby Einstein, you know, just to see what would happen.


Fortunately I don't have to, because another brave, brave soul did. But this gal, well, she went the apologist route to set the pack at ease. You know, something along the lines of, "My baby watches baby Einstein and she loves it but I feel so guilty because I wonder if it's harming her. I want to be a good mom and just don't know if she's too young since she's under 2."


I feel like 2 is the magic age for everything. You made it with the kid on the boob until 2? Totally have a smaller chance of getting cancer AND being judged. Total win. Make it 2 years without your little pup glancing the bright lights of your television? Good for you, you're not setting your child up for a life of failure! I mean, why even keep them in the house after 2, right? Fly little birds. We've given you the world, now be on your way! 


Anywho, even though she started off apologizing, she wasn't spared. One mom wrote, "Please don't let your child watch anything until they're 2. It's bad for them developmentally. Please."


Don't EVER "please" me this or that when it comes to a decision I'm making about MY child as though I'm personally hurting you, ESPECIALLY if I don't even know you from the woman behind me in line at the market. There are few things I find more condescending than another mom essentially pleading with me not to do something, for her sake, as though I'm killing my child. 


Then the hoards of mommies arrived. It's like they all alert one another when there's a victim prime for the kill. I picture them all sipping their decaf Mother's milk tea, eating dairy free baked goods (so as not to upset their lo's tummy) when, dun dun dun--- fresh blood appears! Quick ladies, get our binder full of studies telling parents how everything in the whole wide world will kill their children! The time is now!! We cannot rest! 


Post after post about this study or that study letting us all know that we've failed as moms, as people, if we've ever let our precious kitten's eyes befall the television set. I for one think that's totally selfish. Why should we get to watch Game of Thrones without them? Rude. I mean, there's no way they weren't going to hear about the Red Wedding spoiler if we waited until she was 2. And how much do we all hate spoilers?!


So here's the thing, my baby, who's 434 days old, LOVES baby Einstein. AND GUESS WHAT. She's learned how to sign doggy and ball and bird from it. So, I'm not going to ask you if you think it's harming my child who is signing to me, because my child is SIGNING WORDS TO ME. How cool is that? 


And do me a favor, take your studies (which apparently you only care about when it doesn't involve vaccinations) and shove it. Please.