Anything BUT Brunch

​About a year ago, I had another blog.


Some of you might have heard about it: Anything But Brunch.


It was blogging about exactly what I do now, but under my name. Things were glorious for a while... until I drank a bottle of wine and revealed a blog post of mine. Sometimes I like danger. Sometimes I'm just stupid. And sometimes I just don't give two fucks. These things are highly tied to the amount of caffeine and alcohol I have in me at any given time. At the time I shared it, I honestly thought we'd all be able to laugh together at ourselves. I was sooooo wrong.

Let's talk about Anything But Brunch, because, a few of you know exactly who I am due to my previous blog. 

Does talking about "the incident" defeat the purpose of this blog? Defeat the anonymity? Maybe slightly, but I like blogging. And you should know it's me because I don't want to run away from what I truly have to say. YOUR SHIT WAS RIDICULOUS and it's not my fault you decided to post that nonsense next to your name and your profile on the internet and then cried foul when you found out the internet isn't private.  And ladies, just because I think you wrote some of the most ridiculous shit I've ever read, it doesn't mean I didn't like you. It doesn't mean I think you're bad people or bad mommies. I don't think you're jerks. All it means is that I think complaining about going to fucking brunch is the most asshatted "vent alert" post I've ever come across. If you want to crucify me for it, OK. You can all continue hating brunch, and I'll continue to pack on the pounds from too many mimosas, deal?

Let's revisit the brunch post. For starters, I don't trust anyone who doesn't like brunch. Mimosas, eggs benedict, coffee. These are all things I love. And you know when I have them? Brunch.

It was Mother's Day, 2014. I was brunching. Naturally I hopped on Facebook to post about it like anyone else in this modern world of ours does when anything is happening to them. GUILTY. And that’s when I saw it. THE POST.

Basically this is what went down. A mom wrote on the page complaining about how her husband had had the audacity to take her to brunch for Mother’s Day. THE GALL. You see, she didn’t want brunch. Anything but brunch. Couldn’t they have gone on a nice walk or gone to the beach? How did this poor bastard not realize that this brunch was about to be the bane of his existence? And get this, he ONLY bought her a card the night before at 7:17pm. She saw the receipt. Proof, obviously, that this guy is like the biggest asshole alive, right? Because, fuck brunch and fuck bastards who only buy a card a day in advance! 

This was an actual post, not verbatim mind you. An actual post about being upset that a husband took his wife to brunch to treat her for Mother's Day. (I'm sure there's mounds of backstory but we'll leave it at that, because that's all we were provided.) Now, this was the first time I'd ever experienced a post like this, being new to the world of mom groups. I just didn't understand what mom groups were supposed to be about, I guess. I thought it was about asking about bottle recommendations. So, these sorts of posts blew my mind. As I read the post out loud to my family, jaws dropped around the room.

Well this comment then led to a whole string of comments of women complaining about how they were not treated like the goddesses they are on their one day of recognition. Like women were legit upset that they had to spend the day with their kids, ON MOTHER’S DAY. You know, the kids they chose to have? Apparently if you’re not awarded a goddam badge of merit on Mother’s Day, it’s all for naught. See, I didn’t become a Mom so someone could tell me how awesome I was, I became a mom because, well for starters that what my uterus decided. And secondly, wait there was no secondly when I first found out I was pregnant -- that’s a story for another day. But I certainly didn’t become a mom so I could be showered with accolades. I got married for that. Total status bump, amirite? But, I guess mine was an unpopular opinion. I clearly didn't belong in that group.

So while all these women were high-fiving each other for how much everyone in their lives suck on Mother’s Day, I was sipping mimosas and eating French toast in mouth-wide-open disbelief. For real, who doesn’t like brunch?

The comments continued. One woman, who boasted that she "was so there" as well, regarding her rage about her Mother's Day, generously indulged us. She had to, GASP, be with her kids for the day. No really. She had to hang out with her kids instead of going to the day spa by herself. But don't worry. She assured us that the next day she was going to get up early and then punish her husband by leaving him with the kids for the whole day and not pick up her phone. Because, let punish one another by making them hang out with the kids! I've spent my life dreaming about THIS day. It's the ONLY reason I had these damn, needy children to begin with!

Comment after comment of women outraged over their day being the worst day of their whole life. YES, I THINK YOU ARE BEING ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS IF YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT THIS SHIT.

If your life is that miserable get off your phone and sit down with your husband and have an adult conversation with him, like adults. Adults do that. The day I complain about my husband or family to a whole group of internet strangers is the day I hope you smack me upside the head with your boobs that weigh 10 pounds because you've got an amazing surplus of milk because you do everything right while everyone else is doing everything wrong. No seriously, please smack me if I ever insult my husband on a mom group. And I'm not talking about a post asking for advice or for a post where safety is concerned, etc. You know the sort of posts I'm talking about.

When I outed myself and you all came for blood, I was in the thick of it!

When it first happened, I was like, I’M NOT SORRY. PEW PEW PEW.

Then I was like, OMG MY BABY ISN’T GOING TO HAVE ANY FRIENDS BECAUSE WE’RE GOING TO BE SHUNNED AND SHE'S TOO CUTE NOT TO HAVE FRIENDS. Then I repented. I mea-culpa’d. I spent days thinking of how I had ruined all of her future play dates.  Oh by the way, did anyone ever tell you how crazy you’ll be in the first few months after pregnancy? Let me do you a solid. You’ll be a whackjob, cuz, hormones. I felt horrible. I felt...am I the only one? And I felt like a jerk because feelings got hurt along the way when I viewed everything in fun. I had received a pretty positive response to the blog prior to actually sharing it, so I figured, why no. But when shit hitteth the fan, I thought, if this many women are so furious over this blog, I have to be the world's biggest asshole. I concluded that my baby hormones must have made me the worst person in the whole world. Baby Blues anxiety kicked in the around the same time, and on top of it, I was worried my friend who had added me to the group was going to get in trouble. In short, I had a lot of sleepless nights, and it wasn't because of AB. I felt awful.

See, I think everyone is ridiculous all the time, myself included. I don't mind making fun of myself. I think I can be ridiculous, complain about ridiculous things, and have a tendency to be overly dramatic. Ask my husband, he'll confirm. If anything, he should be  in a group where he complains about me! I think my blogs are ridiculous. I think all the shit we get judged for is ridiculous. I think 91.456% of what we complain about is ridiculous. I think pretty much everything is hilarious and I love poking fun at it, because taking it seriously makes it way worse. I was truly shocked by the negative reaction, on such a wide scale, that I instantly took down the blog.

A year went by and a friend mentioned that my blog got brought up...and I started to think...there's others like me? Maybe it had been enough time, maybe I could do things differently but in the same spirit. Maybe other moms shared my sense of humor and I just hadn't found them yet. So I tested the waters to very quick, positive feedback. The opposite of what had happened before!

My blog is a tricky one. Obviously I'm being hypocritical. I'm complaining about people complaining, so that's totally not lost on me. One of the constant struggles/balancing acts I face is how can my blog be funny and snarky... but not just feel mean? How can we laugh at ourselves and find humor, without hurting feelings or crossing the line? I know that if you know me, you know where my head is at, you know my tone, you know my humor... and like with anything on the internet, I have to accept that I can't control how someone reacts or perceives a post, and it's my responsibility to accept that reaction/response. I'm not immune. That would defeat the purpose. So it's been a conundrum I've been trying to wrap my head around figuring out. But I'm just not cut out to write blogs about 10 tips for decorating the baby room, or the 5 tops things to take to the hospital. I'm a people person and people watcher. I like to comment and observe and joke about human interactions nuances. I get that not everyone is going to feel my jive or like the cut of my jib.

When my blog got shared to the MOCV (Moms of Conejo Valley), after I deactivated it for a bit to re-shift and re-tweak again (my blog will constantly be adapting as I continue to learn that line), I was anxious. But something happened. The ladies of the MOCV were cool about it. They shared the same humor. They like poking fun at themselves, ourselves. They "get" it! It was a feeling of: MY PEOPLE! I'm fully aware that many people who read the blog will still hate it. Still hate me. And that's something I have to be OK with... not everyone liking me.

This blog has always meant to be fun and lighthearted--- to joke about petty shit and general drama... NOT to humiliate anyone. I want to clear up something I've heard. I have never, and will never share anyone's personal or private information, ever. You may choose to post what you want, next to your profile picture and name, on the internet.... but I don't screenshot for shares. And, I would never encourage anyone to find a post and antagonize the OP. I rarely mention group names, and I never mention names or post photos of any OP. And, I am careful to keep things relatively vague. Why? Because this isn't to attack an individual! This is to have humor in silly things we all do as parents. I will take the good with the bad. For every ten people who love when I post about a post of theirs, I'm sure there will be one who is upset that their "privacy" has been invaded. All I can do is continue to work on finding that right balance.

So I only ask that if you come across my blog, hate me, and find out who I am and want to murder me, please don't Kill Bill 2 it and do it in front of my child.